Part 2

So to round off....

Number 5

Peter being helped from the pitch after yet another of his dives puts his hip out
You could be Peter Beagrie. Not so bad on the face off it, but think about it. You'd have to play for Scunny.... at the age of 57 as they still can't attract anyone half decent to replace you. And you'd have to carry your ego around in a horse box as everyone on YTV and Sky are too polite to tell you that you were always just another journeyman player who got a break. And you'd be pug ugly.

Number 4

You could live in Oldham. Have you ever been to Oldham? It's horrific! As the old joke goes, I always thought I was working class until I went to Oldham and then realised I was middle class. If you think Stainy, Moorends, Balby or even the whole of Rotherham are rough then take a trip to the sunshine paradise that is Oldham.  Don't stop to admire the sights though... although having said that there aren't any.

Number 3

You could support Grimsby. I've nothing against the team as such or the fans, who despite having a certain small "element" have always been a reasonably good lot. But you'd have to endure Russel Slade! Never have I heard anyone make the fantastic spectacle of association football sound and look so goddamn dull. Long ball, journeyman players (aah, Beags somewhere for you to retire too!) served up by one of the most overrated managers ever to come out of non-league. Gary Hill, Dave Penney, Graham Turner and Gary Johnson have all achieved great things in the Conference. So who do Grimsby turn too? Someone who had a decent cup run and managed to get Scarborough finishing mid-table every season. It surprises me that there aren't more fans out there trying to oust their boards every week when they make decisions like this.

Number 2

You could have an all-seater ground. For this final full season at Belle Vue, I'm going to savour EVERY moment of terrace-based football. Of being able to move away from the guy smoking the cigar or the haridan having a shrieking fit behind me. I'm dreading all-seater, not for the better facilities or the comfort or the dryness. I'll miss the freedom.

And Number 1

Show me the way to the Job Centre!
You could be Paul Sturrock. Having performed an absolute miracle in getting probably one of the most ordinary sides I've ever seen (despite our aggregate 6-0 drubbing) promoted, he'll now get lambasted from every side. Let's forget for the minute that he has nadda to spend and that his current team is lacking in flair. Let's also forget that his only decent striker, McLean is also out long term. It's already started and will be in full flow by Christmas... STURROCK OUT! will be the cry on Radio Deedaa. Sorry Paul, but you should have left on a high in the summer and left with your head held high. You won't get the time to work the miracle of staying in the Championship. You have my utmost respect for what you have achieved and my utmost sympathy for the abuse you will no doubt take in the near future.

Almost makes you glad eh.... except we beat Swansea and Wrexham and things all of a sudden don't seem too bad. In't football great!